I don’t know about that. The root being fear or insecurity is real. And I have no patience for the double standard or judging women more harshly than men. But saying one (man or woman) is selfish, poor at communication, and not open to improvement if numbers are a concern misses some major elements of human sexuality. In short, some of us are wired for monogamy, some of us aren’t. Some of us are wired for stability and being partnered, while others do better with larger social circles.

To answer a question from your first paragraph: Is a low body count a good preference to have? I’d say it’s the wrong question for this aspect of human sexuality. Is having a transparent discussion about numbers and experience reasonable? Yes, absolutely. It’s one data point of a larger discussion on how each person has treated their sexuality. A difference in simple numbers can be overcome, but I’m skeptical that you can overcome vastly different treatment of sexuality.

As for why some men react so poorly if a woman has a higher number of partners (or simply as much experience as the guy), besides how people are wired, the issue is a lack of acknowledgement on how the double standard/hypocrisy impacts both men and women. It’s clear that women are shamed for liking sex/having experience. That is wrong. And it’s likely why women are often reluctant to be completely open on this subject.

But we also don’t talk about how men are socialized (usually by women) on how to treat women, on what sex means to women, what women want –and given a very narrow definition of that— only to find out later that there’s a wide swath of preferences on ‘what women want.’ In other words, not all women are going to want to meet Mr. Perfect and settle down. Some women are going to want to travel, have experiences, and live life as a single person. We also quickly ridicule a man who doesn’t want marriage or commitment.

So, there’s a lot of reasons why we can’t have undramatic conversations about sexual experience.